Blog Post #44, March 22, 2009

How to Get on the ESPN Highlights

Category: I Have No Idea

I love watching the ESPN Basketball Highlights. But it recently occurred to me, I was rarely in one. I used to dunk the ball often and my silky hooks shots, I thought, were perfect material. But, I was wrong. So what is good material for ESPN Highlights? Spectacular plays, that’s what. I guarantee you; you have never seen them show a little guard dribbling in for a textbook lay-up, of all boring things? No. They’re going to show a player taking off from the parking lot and slamming the ball through the rim with attitude. That’s right. They’re going to show a player hit a three point play, put both arms up, and spin around like he scored a touchdown and won the Super Bowl.

It’s too late for me. I’m 59 years old and can’t jump over a toothpick. I’m so slow, in a recent church league game, I was running across the key, full speed, and the ref called me for three seconds. It’s too late for me to get on the ESPN Highlights, but that doesn’t mean I can’t help someone else get on. So, if you’re a player in the NCAA or NBA, here’s a sure way to get your mug in those highlight clips. I’ve been around this game a long time and I’ve figured out exactly how you can do it.

There are seven situations you’ve got to be ready for. I’m going to show you what to do in each situation. Your job is to read this blog post (That means scanning the words, from left to right, decoding the meaning, just like you used to do with The Cat in the Hat.) and then practice visualizing (How do I explain this word? Let’s just say, close our eyes and imagine yourself doing these things in an xbox NBA 2K7 game.). During your next game, chances are, one of these situations will come up and, when it does, you must perform. If you miss the opportunity, like you’re mother said, “Don’t come running to me.”

Situation 1: The Assist for the Lay-up or Dunk
When driving to the hoop and you throw a “no-look” pass to an inside player, remember, after the pass, don’t look anywhere in the direction of the play. You don’t want anyone to think you have a doubt the score was made. Shake your head slowly, sending a message to the masses, what you just did, was as easy as taking candy from a baby. Act like you’re saying, “Hey! Give me some competition out here!”

Situation 2: The Three-Pointer or the Slam 
Whenever you get the ball on the wing and you see daylight between you and the basket, do one of two things: Shoot the three or Go in for the jam. If you shoot the three, don’t forget to stand there, holding your arm up like a Flamingo. (OK, Flamingos don’t have arms but use your imagination.) Whatever you do, don’t be a team player and get back in the play to get the offensive rebound. But of course! What was I thinking? The ball was going in. If you’re going in for the dunk, drive as hard as you can and dunk the ball over somebody. A dunk has got to have attitude to make it to prime time so open your jowls like you want to take a bite of the rim.

Situation 3: The Uncontested Dunk
If you happen to dunk the ball with no one to embarrass, there’s still a chance you can get on the highlights. Here’s how but you’ve got to do it right or they’ll edit you out. Hang on the rim for a while just in case the ESPN camera isn’t in focus. Twist a little, pick your knees up like you’re an Olympic gymnast about to do an Iron Cross, look down at the floor for at least five seconds to make sure no one is below you (There’s no one below you because this is an “uncontested” dunk, but that doesn’t matter.), and come down like a Sumo wrestler in a squat position. Whatever you do, don’t join the other nine guys at the other end of the court; this is way more important.

Situation 4: Getting Fouled on a Lay-up
After you make a fast break lay-up and get fouled, continue through the cheerleaders and media crew, off the end of the court, and accelerate up the stairs behind the basket, until you can smell nachos and beer. Don’t stop too quickly, but when you do, act like a dragster that let his parachute out. What’s really cool is, after you finally come to a stop, do a slow 180 and walk back to the court like a supermodel in a hot outfit.

Situation 5: Going After a Loose Ball Heading for the Sideline
OK. The loose ball is heading toward the sideline, on the scorer’s table side of the court. Do you save it? Are you kidding me? God forbid! You’re not going to get on the highlights like that because the camera is going to follow the play, not you, stupid. Throw it away so the ball is dead and slide onto the scorer’s table. Now, you’re in business. When you get off the table, check your arms and legs for scratches to make sure you’re in one piece.  If you’re fortunate enough to get some of that Labron James hand powder on you, it’s really cool to dust it off like a base runner that just slid into second.

Situation 6: Lying on the Floor After You Get Fouled
If you’re the recipient of a hard foul, fall down to the floor. Then, stay on the floor and grab something. It doesn’t matter what you grab; just grab an ankle, knee, your back, or neck. Rolling from side to side, like a beached whale is good too. If you grab the wrong thing, after the replay, the TV analyst may say, “It looks like he got hit in the shoulder but he’s grabbing his ankle. Jim, did you see anything?” But, if you act like you’re going for an Academy Award, they will go along with it, just like the people in The Emperor with No Clothes. 

Situation 7 : On a Scoring Spree
Even if you’re not, act hurt when you’re schooling the other team. There’s nothing like going back on defense and limping like an injured rabbit to get the ESPN director to say to his camera man, “Hey, Beauford, zoom in on that limping player.” If you do a good job of it, from that moment on, that camera will be on you like white on rice. Just remember, if you screw up by shooting an air ball, start limping even worse than before. Make it look so good, every orthopedic surgeon in the arena will be waiting for you at the next time out.

By now, you’re saying, “That Swen Nater is a heck of a guy. I wonder why he takes the time to help younger players, like me, become successful.” It’s just my way of giving back to a game that has given so much to me.