Ask Amy
Swen Nater

In this Saturday’s “Ask Amy,” found in many newspapers around the country, personal advice columnist, Amy Dickinson, answers the question of a mother who is concerned her husband is putting too much pressure on their son, a 9th-grade football player, to do better. 

Dear Amy: I have a son who is 14 years old and in the ninth grade. He plays football. My husband is always pushing him to do better, but I think he is great already.

He is one of the best players on his team. The coach thinks he should go on the varsity team, but I don’t agree. My husband and I don’t see eye to eye on this.

I think that if my husband keeps putting all of this pressure on him he is going to end up hating football and then quit the team—and he is a wonderful player.
Can you help me to decide what to do?

Here is Dickinson’s response. 

Dear Stressed: One person’s point of view is missing from your account—your son’s. He is the most important character in this story and in my view, he is old enough to make choices when it comes to sports.

Football is a physically punishing sport and your son, at 14, is still growing and developing. Many schools mandate an extra medical exam for younger players who want to move up to varsity, and I think this is necessary.

You are right that if your husband keeps pushing and pressuring your son, he may rebel and quit the team. This is an age-old story between fathers and sons.

As a parent with the larger perspective, your job is to encourage both parties to try and see the big picture. Make sure your son realizes that he has the freedom to make his own choices, regardless of what his father wants, and let him know that you will always advocate for him.

My favorite movie detailing he triumph and tension of high school football is the ancient (1983) movie, “All the Right Moves,” starring an extremely young Tom Cruise. Cruise recently said he suffered a concussion while shooting a football scene in that film, underscoring the potential dangers of the sport.

Amy Dickinson is correct in that a ninth-grader should decide whether to play a sport or not, and that moving to a level where the physical contact is greater (and therefore the risk of injury is greater), should require a physical exam to determine if that player’s body can handle it. She is right on. But she didn’t answer the mom’s question. The mom wasn’t concerned with her son being injured at varsity, at least not physically. She saw things going from fun to serious and she wanted Amy to say, “Yes, it’s best to let him be a big happy fish in a small pond than send him to the wolves and take the fun out of the game.” 

Dickinson made another mistake; she failed to bring the family together. She told the mother she was the one with “the larger perspective.” That’s not true. There were three perspectives from three angles: That of her husband, that of herself, and that of her son. Although she told the mother to “encourage both parties to try and see the big picture,” she placed her in the role of judge by telling her to tell her son, if need be, she would be his advocate against his father. I’m going out on a limb here but I believe, a divided family is not going to produce the best results for the child.

If I had an “Ask Swen” column and that mom asked me the same question, here’s what I would write.

Dear Concerned Mother: It is the dream of most, if not all, the lower-level players to be on the high school varsity team. Your son is obviously a very talented player and doing so well at the lower level, the coach wants to move him up to varsity. This is an opportunity for him and could possibly mean, when he begins to acclimate to the demands and challenges of varsity, he’s going to have even more fun and success than he is having now.

In the best interest of your son, I recommend you do four things.
1. Meet with the coaching staff to find out exactly what their motivation is for wanting to move your son to varsity. Let’s hope their main reason is not to make the team better.
2. Make sure the high school medical staff is committed to thoroughly and objectively examining your son to ensure his body is mature enough to withstand the physical demands of varsity.
3. Talk to your husband and let him know, although he might think your son wants the challenge, he should make sure your son wants the same thing.
4. You and your husband should talk to your son, together, about this and discuss all aspects about what is best for your son. It’s OK that you bring two different opinions. Let him know, you and your husband may have different views, but this is his (your son’s) decision and whatever decision he makes, you will support it.

Dickinson tried to divide the family by telling the mother to tell her son she would be his advocate against his father if need be, and that he has the freedom to make his own choices, regardless of what his father wants. In other words, she assumed the father was set in his ways and unwilling to change, and she took the side of the rational mother. Dickinson has no grounds for this conclusion. What she should have said was, although it appeared the mother and father disagreed, she should continue her efforts to handle the situation as a mother/father team, with the ultimate decision left up to the son. 

By the way, what’s so bad about a father pushing his son “to do better?” The son is lucky. How many fathers are out there who don’t give a hoot?